Letters to Nolan: October 28, 2011

7:34 pm

Omigosh, two weeks?! I told you I wouldn't be very good at keeping up with this.

Today you are 7 MONTHS! Can you do me a favor and quit growing up so fast already? Seriously, slow down. You're like super baby developing at an astronomical rate. Sorry to brag (I am a mother, your mother, after all), but I'm fairly certain that you are mastering all the milestones months in advance. You've been crawling for weeks and have been pulling yourself up on everything since last week. You have even learned to fall on your butt rather than toppling over and smashing your head on the floor or furniture in the way. Today you started this clucking noise with your mouth. Cutest thing ever, obviously.

The reason I am writing this letter today is to tell you how much I hate being a working mom. The worst part of my day is waking you up from your peaceful slumber in the morning and in less than 10 minutes you are changed and loaded up in the car seat. It makes me so sad and EVERY DAY I have to stifle the tears as I drive off to work while Daddy drops you off at GeePa's. I hate it. Maybe it could be different if I was doing something that I'm passionate about, something that I truly loved, but I'm not. I bring home a paycheck that pays for the roof over our heads and the clothes on our backs. Although, just so you know, it is a rather large roof and some pretty darn nice clothes---these things, I realize now, are not important, but that's something that took me awhile to understand. I hope to instill something completely different in my own children. I often daydream of leaving this suburbia and living in a sweet little bungalow on the edge of a city. We'll have to work on Daddy if we're going to make this happen. But for now (and possibly forever) this is home, and anyplace is home as long as you and Daddy (and Rowand) are here.

Possibly in the future I could stay home part time. But I just want you to know that my heart is with you all day if I never get that chance. I hope that you never resent me for going to work everyday and that it doesn't hinder any of your developments. We all do our best around here.

Can I tell you about the BEST part of my day? It's not that first chance I get to scoop you up in my arms after a long day. It's not watching you smack those perfect little lips after spoonfuls of yogurt. It's not even our "dance party" time. Those things are all great and I revel in every moment, but there's an even more special part of my every day. It's right after I feed you your nighttime bottle and those few minutes before I put you into your crib for bedtime. I pull you up to my shoulder and you snuggle against my neck. You fit so perfectly in that spot. I rub your back and smell that sweet baby Nolan scent. You're just so cozy there. I savor this moment every.single.night and know better than to take it for granted. Someday this needs to be captured. I don't ever want to forget how that feels.

Here's a recent photo shoot of us. I think we look like twins, but everyone says you look just like your Daddy.